I once wanted to join the Defence Force but I failed

It's been about 2 years since I was rejected from the Australian Defence Force. I think most people would be surprised to hear that I wanted to join the Australian Defence Force upon leaving high school!

 
Coming from a school that focused on character development and leadership, I saw joining the military as a way to further my personal growth; a place where I could have a steady career and become a man. Plus, I couldn't help but feel patriotic to the idea of serving my country.

 
As soon as I hit 17 years old, I decided to apply for the Australian Defence Force Academy. The academy was an opportunity to obtain a university degree, earn a salary and undertake military training- all at the same time. It seemed almost perfect to me back then.

Carrying onto my final year of high school, I went through interviews, fitness tests and was thrilled to hear that I was invited to go to Canberra for one final assessment day.

 
"This was it." I thought.

 
For me, receiving an offer to the academy would be a great moment of validation- that I had the qualities to be in the military and to be a leader.

 
Unfortunately, I was to be disappointed that day. It was a day that has greatly changed my life and shaped who I am now.

 
Starting the assessment day with full of hope and confidence, the feelings slowly faded away. At the end of the day, the results were final. I was called back into the interview room and sat down in front of the interviewers, waiting for their response. Just imagine a 17 year old boy right in front of you, holding his breath and clenching his fists so hard as if he was going to pass out. That was me at the time!

 
To this very day I still remember the words of the interviewer. "We will not be giving you an offer to the academy."

 
Actually, maybe the words weren't that harsh. But for what was worth nearly 12 months of emotional investment and feeling like I knew what I wanted to do after high school, anything that concluded "rejection" was enough for me to feel like the whole world was falling apart.

 
I left the room after the talks, immediately reaching out for my phone to call my Mum. I tried to stay composed but as soon as she picked up I couldn't help but cry how heartbroken I was.

 
I felt like I was a disappointment in front of my parents. I was disappointed in myself.

 
I thought, "You had nearly a whole year to prepare and prove to them that you were capable of being there."

 
I remember feeling like I had no back up plan for what to do after high school. But the fact that my Mum was able to pick the phone that very time was the greatest comfort to me. She quietly listened as I expressed my frustrations. There was no sign that she was upset in me.

 
Slowly, I realised that there was never any expectations set by my Mum nor my Dad to get into the academy. In fact, much of it was my own self pressure that my identity was in some way based on whether I was accepted.

 
As I reflect back, I had a lot of insecurities. I feared failure. I feared that I wasn't manly enough.

 
Going to an all boys school, I was relatively short to my peers and reserved. I certainly didn't have the idealised stoic, charging-forth attitude that I thought every man should have. I wasn't happy with who I was. I wanted to be better in every way you could think of and I thought being accepted into the military would validate who I was.

 
But over the past 2 years, my views on failure have changed, as well as my views on what truly makes you a man. And so I wonder if there are others out there that are facing or have faced the same situation that I have.

 
Whether it's attending a particular university or getting into a specific course, I wonder if anyone has had this feeling of being so attached to a goal that you have set for yourself that if you don't achieve it, you feel that a part of you has been crushed.

 
To those that have similarly faced what I did, I want to say, take the time to love yourself regardless of what you have or have not accomplished. To those that feel they have failed in achieving something, it's okay to be upset in the moment. Through all the sadness, you will make you come out stronger than ever.

 
"when one door closed another one opens."

 
I'm not going to lie that I still to this very day wonder what my life would've been like if I did get into the academy. Would I have been different to who am I now?

 
I don't know. But maybe that's okay.

 
I have grown so much more as a person than I could imagine just by failing that assessment day. As I continue my current journey, I have come to accept failures as a growth opportunity and have found that my pursuit to becoming a man does not have to be bound by an academy or any career.